Blog Moved to http://chris.luethy.net/

This blog has moved to http://chris.luethy.net/. Please update your bookmarks.

How I'm Stunted Right Now In Life

I've stopped writing. The moment I put down a sentence, I feel as though I've started a thread I do not wish to continue. I'm second-guessing myself. Every word is wrong, every sentence, every thought, every tone, is expressed incorrectly, and falls far from my meaning.

When I see the words form on the page, I feel betrayed. Are these my thoughts? Is this me? Reading this, it doesn't feel like me. It doesn't sound like me. Is this me?

I'm compiling a resume for a job offer I received. I feel as though I'm betraying myself. This job offer -- is this the field I want to work in? Is this what I really want? It is not a job offer for anything artistic: no writing, no music, no photography, no design involved. Should I be working for money? I related to my mother on the phone that I'm concerned over this job offer, and that I wanted to write a book around this age. " But what about money?" she asked. " What would you do for money?" to which I could only reply, " What does anybody do for money?"

And that's sort of the basic problem right there: I don't want to work for money. It's hard enough being alive, and lucid enough to realize it; need I concern myself with financially-imposed corporate concerns?

I feel as though for all the insecurities I've had, for all the moments where my confidence failed me, that this is my last ground to stand. This is where I can either pick up my pen and start forging my way back into life against the current of this modern automata, or sigh and relax and follow the flow away from all that I want to be.

I already have friends that faced this as a similar issue and gave up. It's not feeling particularly hopeful.

Weekend Fun + Buildings Breeding EP Release

Inna, Gonzalo & I

The Standard Tribesmen opening

Buildings Breeding released their new EP "Colors Bent to Seasons" and my band, The Standard Tribesmen, opened for them at their release party. Check out their Myspace and buy that EP!

From Here to Awesome: Independent Film & The Problem

Arin Crumley writes of his participation in a new independent film project, From Here to Awesome, aimed at solving the problems independent filmmakers face both in finding distribution and in maintaining intimacy with their audience. Their first video is a short manifesto and worth watching.

If you're unfamiliar with Arin Crumley, check out his debut film, Four Eyed Monsters, tagged as being the first full-length feature film on YouTube.

words idea

she spoke until "love me", sounded by something else.

Baltimore: Day 1, Sunday Night

I woke at 11 on Saturday and had mexican food with Inna. I had to finish a paper, which took most of the day, and then watched In the Realms of the Unreal with some friends. We left Davis around midnight.

The roads were eerily clear; at one point, the rear view mirror showed nothing but blackness, no cars, no road, no lights.

We crept across the San Francisco bay bridge and stayed at Brenden's house near the park for a few hours. The shuttle took us to SFO, where we experienced an hour delay, a frantic connection, and lost luggage. As of this writing, I have no clothes for tomorrow.

When we got to Baltimore, I recalled the town's Internet description: " sorta fun, mostly run down."

I'll weigh in my judgement tomorrow, but it's somewhat indicative that a native Baltimorian, working the hotel front desk, saw our California driver's licenses and widened her eyes: " You're from California? And you came to Baltimore?"

Going to Baltimore

I'll be in Baltimore until Wednesday, but I'll be posting interestings on Twitter and Flickr. You can find those links on the right side of this page.